day 7: sunday.. the 1st of march

4:39pm....

i've got to say.. i have not been looking forward to this day for over a week. dreading it in fact. the first of any month...... all of them... i don't want to deal with any of them. i don't like the 1st anymore. it represents pain..... a newness should come with the first.. and i supppose it still does.. but now it brings with it a reminder of loss.. and i don't want to feel that anymore

it's still fairly new.. exactly two months actually... two months later this evening. and now i wonder how long this will go on. the more time goes past... the more evidence i find that this feeling may never leave me..... not completely. in fact it's unlikely i'll ever forget. will this taint my life.. love and relationships. i hope not.............. all i know is..... i can't breathe

11:45pm..

stupid friends last 2 episodes.. shouldn't have watched them. i was bouncing around for the last 5 hours happy as a clam, singing and cooking.. and now.. i'm a mass of tears and a hole in my heart thinking about how i haven't heard the words 'you're better off without him...' as much as i've heard 'it was so obvious... you were just meant to be together' and 'i've never seen you happier' and 'it was.. so.. right.. you were both so in love i don't know what happened....'

and then i remember... none of this was about that......... but it doesn't stop that being true. i can't just lie and pretend i don't feel what i know... what i knew... was real. and i wish i could... i hate this living without you

how is it that i can be SO happy.. on my own, i'm not even lonely. i feel fine.. independant and ok. but i miss you. when i get the chance to stop and think.. i miss you.. it feels so weird.. because i feel so normal without you here. i've got to the point where.. i don't think about calling when something major happens.. i don't feel the need to have someone there when i sleep.. i don't feel the need to come home to someone.. and i don't feel 'lonely'.. even when i feel alone. i relish the freedom i have to do what i want, i love being able to be totally spontaneous in all aspects of my life. i'm looking forward to time on my own, i want to travel, i want to move out and live with friends, i love being able to just work whatever hours i want to without cutting into someone else's plans. i love spending time with all f my different friends, and having the chance to renew and cultivate my different friendships

how can i love my life by myself............... and feel as if you were never there, as if you were just a movie i saw or a book i read....... but somehow love you.. with everything that i have... all at the same time