the day you actually take the first step

so... life throws you another curve ball. sends you spiralling back into that place you've been before. it's a bit dark, it's a bit scary.. and it's a lot painful. it takes you time to get up again.....

maybe you lost your boyfriend, maybe you lost your house, maybe you lost you job, maybe you lost your faith.......... maybe it's something entirely different... but whatever it is, it sends you into a whirlpool of chaos. a place where the world feels lost and empty and your identity has vanished.

i have been there.. i've been there for two months.

i have done everything from crying until my body ached, through to contemplating suicide. i have had better days and worse ones. i have had moments of true pleasure where i feel so elated i cannot believe i ever felt bad... that seem to be followed by dark black pits of depression and pain. but finally....... i am ready. i have found my way to move forward.

and it all started with.. going for a run.

i think going for a run was not what turned it around, but my first sign to myself, that i am over the inital shock. i have felt wasted and useless, lacking energy. but last night, i felt like running. so out i went.. and it felt wonderful.

now i don't expect that this is an instant turn around in life and that everything will be perfect. there's still pain and loss and sadness to be dealt with. but i am recliaming my life... one little step at a time.

so today.. my train came in... and i stepped off the platform where i felt stranded.. and left the station in search of new horizons. this is my story. this is my documentation of life now. a new life