day 9:

do you know what the worst thing is? every time i feel better.. i wind up feeling equally worse. so yesterday when i felt elated, great and so up........ i crashed. hard......... big time.

i don't know what i'm going to do...... things........ are not good. and i'm out of ideas

breakdown

my stomach is knotted
i feel as though i'm
less inclined to eat with every day
just one look in the mirror
shows i'm getting thinner
and i feel like i'm wasting away

my eyes have lost colour
they're grey and they're bleak
and encircled in rings of dark black
from the tears i have shed
and the sleep i have lost
all those hours i'll never get back

my head it is ringing
my chest, how it pounds
with no sense of being consistent
i've questioned the point
of living anymore
i see little point in my existence

i was so full of hope
happiness and dreams
and finally had that which i craved
i felt strong and secure
alive and so well
and i watched as it all drained away

i've no sense of knowing
who i am inside
and i've no idea where to go
i'm afraid to move
and reluctant to change
into somebody new i don't know

i want to be me
and i want what i feel
to bring back all that has gone
the joy and the hope
and the sense that there is
a reason to simply go on

but none of it mattters
my hope has been shattered
and happiness will only play
for a moment or two
i feel vibrant and new
and then comes the end of the day

when i lay down my head
and i try to sleep
the memories come flooding in
they make my insides
feel strangled and strained
and i feel like tearing at my skin

to get the pain out
to set it all free
to unleash it out into the open
but as long as i can't
i feel drowned, overwhelmed
shattered and totally broken

i've no place in this world
if i don't know myself
i've simply nothing i can give
i see no reason
for staying around
if i don't have a reason to live

no sense of purpose
no sense of direction
identity lost in the fray
i'm holding on now
by a thread, just to see
if this sense of despair goes away

day 8:

2:09pm.. scratch the rest of the day.. i've had a really weird twisted piece of mind melting happen.. i'm fine.

i am.. i'm fine! i have been so worried.. oh god i'm laughing as i type, so worried about not being fine. i didn't want to be fine. i didn't.. maybe tomrrow i'll feel it again but whatever, i'm going to try and hold onto this because do you know what..

i'm fine..

i don't need you. i am laughing so much it hurts, what the hell has been WRONG with me i love you but hell YOU'RE NOT HERE! and i'm alive, i'm healthy, HEALTHIER even.. i am really well.. aside from this depression that's swamped me like a ridiculous cloud for the last two months. i. am. fine!!

oh god i feel a massive sense of relief because you know what? you're SO not worth it!

day 7: sunday.. the 1st of march

4:39pm....

i've got to say.. i have not been looking forward to this day for over a week. dreading it in fact. the first of any month...... all of them... i don't want to deal with any of them. i don't like the 1st anymore. it represents pain..... a newness should come with the first.. and i supppose it still does.. but now it brings with it a reminder of loss.. and i don't want to feel that anymore

it's still fairly new.. exactly two months actually... two months later this evening. and now i wonder how long this will go on. the more time goes past... the more evidence i find that this feeling may never leave me..... not completely. in fact it's unlikely i'll ever forget. will this taint my life.. love and relationships. i hope not.............. all i know is..... i can't breathe

11:45pm..

stupid friends last 2 episodes.. shouldn't have watched them. i was bouncing around for the last 5 hours happy as a clam, singing and cooking.. and now.. i'm a mass of tears and a hole in my heart thinking about how i haven't heard the words 'you're better off without him...' as much as i've heard 'it was so obvious... you were just meant to be together' and 'i've never seen you happier' and 'it was.. so.. right.. you were both so in love i don't know what happened....'

and then i remember... none of this was about that......... but it doesn't stop that being true. i can't just lie and pretend i don't feel what i know... what i knew... was real. and i wish i could... i hate this living without you

how is it that i can be SO happy.. on my own, i'm not even lonely. i feel fine.. independant and ok. but i miss you. when i get the chance to stop and think.. i miss you.. it feels so weird.. because i feel so normal without you here. i've got to the point where.. i don't think about calling when something major happens.. i don't feel the need to have someone there when i sleep.. i don't feel the need to come home to someone.. and i don't feel 'lonely'.. even when i feel alone. i relish the freedom i have to do what i want, i love being able to be totally spontaneous in all aspects of my life. i'm looking forward to time on my own, i want to travel, i want to move out and live with friends, i love being able to just work whatever hours i want to without cutting into someone else's plans. i love spending time with all f my different friends, and having the chance to renew and cultivate my different friendships

how can i love my life by myself............... and feel as if you were never there, as if you were just a movie i saw or a book i read....... but somehow love you.. with everything that i have... all at the same time

day 5:

8:58am.. i spent the tram ride to work this morning listening to my ipod on shuffle till it landed on 'girlfriend' (the band not song) and thought 'yeah, lets get into some early nineties girl power pop' (before the spice girls WE had this lot! they've got the idea but not the energy to really pursue 'GIRL POWER' as we know it).. my mood is ok.. i'm moving somewhere.. the liz express is moving on...... i'm leaving the past behind me. i want to burn everything.

10:11am.. thank god i get to sleep in tomorrow, i am so... so..... tired. i want to relax. i want to unwind. i want to feel spiritually connected to the world again.... i wan to relaaaaaaaaax. i intend to not spend this weekend rushing. i am going to find somewhere beautiful.. somewhere peaceful....... and just stop

1:32pm.. finally making progress with getting on with work today. actually getting into it. maybe i have just hated this so much because i've spent 3 solid weeks doing invoicing which is the most sinfully boring task i have ever done! maybe i can put up with this a bit longer.. but i still need to go

12:21am.. OK so it's technically the next morning.. but i'm just about to go to bed and am grooving out to the fame by lady gaga in front of my computer. had a vodka and raspberry and chilled out hehhehehe and watched some comedy.. not totally ripper but it included full frontal male nudity which was funny hahaha lol

8:50pm.. trying to come up with plans to go out tonight because i look AWESOME! and simply must show it to the world. i am thin as anything, my outfit is HOT and i'm in killer heels. my hair is behaving and my eyes have a sparkle and i'm in the mood for a drink and some SERIOUS flirting.. maybe no more than that, lets not get hasty, but i want to unwind!

day 4:

7:30am.. woke up and thought 'i don't feel well.. not going to salsa'.. then got up to realise i felt fine physically, but i'm feeling depressed and want to hide from the world. decide to go to salsa instead, when you want to run away and hide, do the opposite.

7:40am.. decide i still want an identity shift, it's just a name and still don't feel all that attached to my name as it is right now. and it's a mouthful no one can spell correctly for some reason when booking anywhere.

9:18am.. was feeling quite low trying to work out of funk today. acknowledge i'm still in love with same person i have really been in love with for years. ponder how long this will take to wear off... decided recently instead of living through it every day i now just kind of let it follow me around like cute but annoying puppy who wont leave you alone, just distract self and pretend it's not there sometimes.

9:19am.. oh my god i am HAPPY NOW! well.. we'll see lol but just heard great news from a friend, i love when my friends are happy, nothing excites me more than knowing something fulfilling or meaningful has happened to them and i am so so thrilled to know about it! xxxx

12:16pm.. have finally finished the invoices.. have to send the last 5 out tomorrow. then it's on to deleting the ones that have bailed! thank god

10:54pm.. here on net talking to you. here's my afternoon: well.. have successfully come a long long way in two months.. something that could take people many months easily i have managed in just under 2. amazingly well connected person who is sensible, logical, rational and spiritual beyond almost all belief. apparently i'm amazing and i've pulled through all of this incredible stuff and come such a long way and done so well. so well that i apparently don't really need someone else to help me with it. so, out i go, into the world.

10:55pm.. my evening: fast dinner at home, head to city, walk for what feels like an hour.. grab quick food with friends, get lost and realise we are miles from where we are meant to be. get to where we are meant to be.. salsa class. about 3 people there.. 1 man.. all others women. great ratio. i pretend to be a boy until a couple of other dancers show up and dive in to help out.. one with limited understanding of the words 'personal space' as i can feel the entire outline of his body on the right hand side and smell the gum he's chewing with every breath. try not to look uncomfortable as he tells me i am beautiful, i hate compliments. am suspicious of men who act this way. want to run away.. scared

second dance class - 13 women, 2 men. better ration *NOT*!! realise after 5 mins i am one of the only girls so confident in the steps that i can be a man. swap to role as boy. dance with women all evening.. feel like pro as i already know ALL of the moves and it is painstaking. we bailed early.. wont be going to thursday classes anymore.

get home.. have got into depressive funk, tired exhausted and miss the man i STILL feel like i am permanently attached to. get online to see him pop up on one of my social networks. burst into tears.. decide to blog to take mind off it which worked until right now. going to bed, will probably cry some more.. but apparently, crying is good. acknowledgment of grief and expulsion of feelings from the inner to the outer. all part of the grieving process.. can't i just have the good stuff back instead. *sigh* in love.. and it sucks. love is supposed to be wonderful.

life seems a little f*d

day 3: whatever

9:30am.. i hate my job. no i really hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it i should have just quit like i was going to i have no idea what i would do in the meantime but i want to quit quit QUIT!

12:00pm.. need a career plan, this is not any good for my health, coming in here and doing this every day. i can do this right? i can do this.. i can do this... i can move on i can take a risk........

2:30pm.. feeling much happier. lunch with two of the loveliest people i know. xx

6:30pm.. getting ready to go out for dinner with family for mum's birthday. everyone seems to be in a good mood. nice!

9:30pm.. dinner was lovely, hope mum had a lovely birthday. she seemed to. i'm feeling grumpy and aware i'm getting a low tolerance for interaction with people. will go to bed now, have some time to myself and hopefully sleep early. have also almost decided to change my name officially.....

10:30pm.. can't sleep.. freaking out about identity loss and hoping this is the right idea.

day 2: trying not to fall off

6:45am.. wake up, cannot sleep anymore. would prefer more sleep but cannot force myself. think i must have had a reasonable rested sleep. am not quite as exhausted this morning. lying awake daydreaming and thoughts come to me i don't want.. put on 'friends' to watch until it's time to get up

7:25am.. get up and head to shower. start the day fresh, scrub all signs of potential anxiety away. use every cleansing product available in the shower.

7:56am.. run to tram.. must remember to set watch back a bit as i am now out of sink with tram times.

8:00am.. on tram. feel like listening to kylie. this shoots me straight back to a year ago when this is what i was listening to. feel like i'm going through all of the same motions again *sigh* oh well, at least when i bought and started listening to this album i was 'single' and trying to find my way in life.. and was only in the early stages of romance at the time so nothing too serious attached to it. does bring back the flutters i felt in the early 'love' stages though.. *sigh*

8:35am.. get to work. walk to building listening to 'fame' by lady gaga, makes me feel like supermodel strutting down catwalk.. vague imagery of fans blowing hair and camera flashes... can tell i don't want to do my job today. it's unchallenging. oh well.. just stick it out a while longer..

9:00am.. have supervision sessions with my supervisor. not really interested in talking but guess i'll go anyway. see what comes up. i'm a bit flat today.

9:45am.. feeling quite low, just trying to maintain this level and not go below. struggling, turns out i may have slept through and without dreams but i haven't slept well. eyes starting to droop. feeling ok but only for the moment. hope it holds.

10:00am.. realise i am wearing black again. all over. but have salsa class tonight so yay! found perfect way to blend sultry and comfortable salsa outfit with work wear. the answer? flats and cardigan for work and slip into heels and abandon sleeves for dancing. will feel good later, dacing always makes me feel better, and learning gives me a purpose.

11:00am.. considering changing my name officially, reading up on the literature about what is involved. there's not much under the heading 'what are the implications of changing your name'. just the obvious 'this is how you are identified, it is on passport, drivers license and bank accounts. we urge you to consider the implications before changing your name'. it doesn't seem that hard... but it's basically permanent

12:00pm.. have been listening to relaxation tracks and doing some basic stretches. it's helping my body and soothing my mind. i'm feeling a lot better. plus it's midday, this is usually my turning point, i am not good with mornings. maybe if i went to bed earlier and got up earlier i could fit in a walk/run before work and then breakfast and maybe my day would start better... i used to think people were crazy for doing that

3:00pm.. was doing ok till got back from lunch. all the work i put into moving up.. had somehow fallen away. at least lunch was healthy, i felt in a 'salad' type healthy mood. a good sign turning to good food.

3:10pm.. realisation of this fact for 50th time today.. i'm in love. still in love. feel like it will just now forever run as background and will never go away...... didn't think i could exist knowing that and not living it. it hurts... maybe less as time goes on. sure as hell hurts in a different way already.....

3:12pm.. maybe i should think about yoga.. or tai chi.. or something equally spiritual, smooth and relaxing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEulyxBCA6c

4:40pm.. almost time to go! then off to dinner and dancing for the evening....... much needed fun! hopefully i'll do ok tonight lol

10:30pm.. have successfully fooled nearly everyone at salsa into thinking i have done this for years... but in fact its only my second class. picing it up pretty well i think! i feel great, i'm really loving it