7:40am.. decide i still want an identity shift, it's just a name and still don't feel all that attached to my name as it is right now. and it's a mouthful no one can spell correctly for some reason when booking anywhere.
9:18am.. was feeling quite low trying to work out of funk today. acknowledge i'm still in love with same person i have really been in love with for years. ponder how long this will take to wear off... decided recently instead of living through it every day i now just kind of let it follow me around like cute but annoying puppy who wont leave you alone, just distract self and pretend it's not there sometimes.
9:19am.. oh my god i am HAPPY NOW! well.. we'll see lol but just heard great news from a friend, i love when my friends are happy, nothing excites me more than knowing something fulfilling or meaningful has happened to them and i am so so thrilled to know about it! xxxx
12:16pm.. have finally finished the invoices.. have to send the last 5 out tomorrow. then it's on to deleting the ones that have bailed! thank god
10:54pm.. here on net talking to you. here's my afternoon: well.. have successfully come a long long way in two months.. something that could take people many months easily i have managed in just under 2. amazingly well connected person who is sensible, logical, rational and spiritual beyond almost all belief. apparently i'm amazing and i've pulled through all of this incredible stuff and come such a long way and done so well. so well that i apparently don't really need someone else to help me with it. so, out i go, into the world.
10:55pm.. my evening: fast dinner at home, head to city, walk for what feels like an hour.. grab quick food with friends, get lost and realise we are miles from where we are meant to be. get to where we are meant to be.. salsa class. about 3 people there.. 1 man.. all others women. great ratio. i pretend to be a boy until a couple of other dancers show up and dive in to help out.. one with limited understanding of the words 'personal space' as i can feel the entire outline of his body on the right hand side and smell the gum he's chewing with every breath. try not to look uncomfortable as he tells me i am beautiful, i hate compliments. am suspicious of men who act this way. want to run away.. scared
second dance class - 13 women, 2 men. better ration *NOT*!! realise after 5 mins i am one of the only girls so confident in the steps that i can be a man. swap to role as boy. dance with women all evening.. feel like pro as i already know ALL of the moves and it is painstaking. we bailed early.. wont be going to thursday classes anymore.
get home.. have got into depressive funk, tired exhausted and miss the man i STILL feel like i am permanently attached to. get online to see him pop up on one of my social networks. burst into tears.. decide to blog to take mind off it which worked until right now. going to bed, will probably cry some more.. but apparently, crying is good. acknowledgment of grief and expulsion of feelings from the inner to the outer. all part of the grieving process.. can't i just have the good stuff back instead. *sigh* in love.. and it sucks. love is supposed to be wonderful.
life seems a little f*d
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