day 9:

do you know what the worst thing is? every time i feel better.. i wind up feeling equally worse. so yesterday when i felt elated, great and so up........ i crashed. hard......... big time.

i don't know what i'm going to do...... things........ are not good. and i'm out of ideas

breakdown

my stomach is knotted
i feel as though i'm
less inclined to eat with every day
just one look in the mirror
shows i'm getting thinner
and i feel like i'm wasting away

my eyes have lost colour
they're grey and they're bleak
and encircled in rings of dark black
from the tears i have shed
and the sleep i have lost
all those hours i'll never get back

my head it is ringing
my chest, how it pounds
with no sense of being consistent
i've questioned the point
of living anymore
i see little point in my existence

i was so full of hope
happiness and dreams
and finally had that which i craved
i felt strong and secure
alive and so well
and i watched as it all drained away

i've no sense of knowing
who i am inside
and i've no idea where to go
i'm afraid to move
and reluctant to change
into somebody new i don't know

i want to be me
and i want what i feel
to bring back all that has gone
the joy and the hope
and the sense that there is
a reason to simply go on

but none of it mattters
my hope has been shattered
and happiness will only play
for a moment or two
i feel vibrant and new
and then comes the end of the day

when i lay down my head
and i try to sleep
the memories come flooding in
they make my insides
feel strangled and strained
and i feel like tearing at my skin

to get the pain out
to set it all free
to unleash it out into the open
but as long as i can't
i feel drowned, overwhelmed
shattered and totally broken

i've no place in this world
if i don't know myself
i've simply nothing i can give
i see no reason
for staying around
if i don't have a reason to live

no sense of purpose
no sense of direction
identity lost in the fray
i'm holding on now
by a thread, just to see
if this sense of despair goes away